I'm listening to Mariah Carey - Thanks God I Found You rite now when I wrote this down. and there are some of her lyrics too over here ;p and somehow it makes me realize that I'm so thankful that I met Zaki a couple of months ago. my life was never oh-so-this-great before. I've been through some kind like bad times and memories. some past that I don't even want to remember it. and I wish you never had it! things that I really really regret it. but how hard I try to forget it, how hard I keep on telling my self that i shouldn't remember it anymore, just like "get the way out of my way you son of a bitch!" but still, they're just too stubborn, they keep on playing around in my mind like a video tape. I just can't make it stop no matter how hard I try it and want it. that time, I was at my deepest fall, sorrow, and sadness. I think I can't move on cause I know that I still want my ex get back here with me. all of my friends keep on telling me that I should move on, I can move on, and THAT'S ALL I SHOULD DO! those little and simple things but with some unexplained reason I really don't want to move. I don't want to threw all of it. I just want to stay, I want to fix everything. I do really having faith to those things. that time, I feel like I don't have life. hahahaha that's sounds very stupid. oh god, I once hoping that I never met him, hoping that he's never step in to my day and screwed it like this, hoping that those things never happened. feels like you want to scream out loud like "hey you stupid bitch! don't cha have any brain or what? is it empty or full of bra and condoms thingy, huh?" seems like he's everything to me, my life, my world, my every breath and so on. I cried every single tears just to make him come back to me. I'm begging him pretty much. uncountable. I think I lost my mind that time. if only I'm listening what mommy said to me before, maybe I won't be like this. lesson: listen to what your mommy said, what mommy said always true and right, trust me. I'm going crazy -.- I don't care about anything surround me. I do whatever I want to. I'm messed up. I'm screwed up. I'm hopeless. I'm useless. I'm pathetic. oh geez it was horrible! I bet you don't want to see me that time. my eyes are swollen and my hairs tangled. I'm pretty look like a big mess. but still everything I do to make him back to me, useless. it's just make me tired being fooling around. keep on believing things that actually meaningless to me. keep on hoping something that would never ever came to me. tired of everything happened. feels like you want to stop the clock tick-tock-ing all the time. even worst you want to freeze the world. hh, it's just oh-so-that-fool. I'm look like a big loser. till one day he said "I love her and I wanna be with her. I don't love you anymore, so stop chasing me and being around me" OH OKE! my world seems falling down so slowly, enjoyed every little single part of it falling down. look at it without doing something, just letting them falling down, as slow as my tears running down on my cheeks. because I know! I always know that I can't do anything about it. feels like I've been paralyzed by something. I'm frozen! all I can do is watching it falling down down down. and deep down inside I know that I'm broken up. my life has been screwed up, my heart torn into pieces. my life turned into something small and pathetic. my skies are grey even the sun was shining so bright. huh, I don't wanna get back there anymore. somehow I realized "what am I doin here? why should I became like this? I can survive I know it for sure!" I'm just laugh out loud at my own self. try to get up, forget the past, try to re-build my world and my life, try to fix my feelings and self. give my brain some doctrine that "He's just nothing come on. he's just oh so that stupid, choosing other girl than you. he's the one who'll get suffer cause letting you go oh-so-that-easily. he's just so stupid. you don't have to cry for a jerk like that. you deserve a whole lotta way more than that. relax" then I try to moving on. try to continued my life and living it with a new book. I try to having a lot of fun with my friend. filled my day with jokes and laughter. live my life like nothing happened to me. and I'm not oh-so-into boys thingy that time. but suddenly, Zaki's step in to my day. at first glance I'm not-oh-so that interesting to him AT ALL. but as time goes by, every little unimportant chit-chat with him, every little messages that he sent to me, every phone called he made with me, everything he done to me, the way he treat me, the way he talked to me, the way he see me, and he's just successfully take my heart away, then I think I'm started to falling for him ;p he's sweet and know how to treat me well. and really! he ALWAYS TREAT ME LIKE A PRINCESS (: even before he's dating me. I don't know what makes him being oh-so-that-nice to a strange girl like me? someone he has just met. and now, after he's dating me, I would give him everything before I'd separate my self from him. after so much suffering I've been through, I finally found what I've been looking for and things I always wanted. I was down and cold inside, and those hurt from the heartache would not subside. I felt like dying, until he came to my life and saved me. he became part of my life and he's my everything now. my world, my life, and my every breath. I can't deny that I'm deeply fallen with him. I do really thank god that I found him. I won't be like what I'm now, I won't be this fine, I won't be oh-so-this-happy, I might be lost right now if only I don't met him that time. he's just my sunlight at my night skies :) I'm overwhelmed with gratitude cause I'm so thankful I found him. I'll give him everything and it's like nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him. All things that matters is his happiness. I just want to see him smiling and laughing every single day. if only you step into my life earlier, I won't have any traumatic things in my life. but yeah, I'm not regret it at all, as long as I can get the best of the best from you, everything would be fine. I really cherish every part of him. I think maybe this time I really do can't survive without him by my side and I swear to god I don't wanna try. All I need is you in my life. He's just too precious to me. I was so desolated before he came to me. and now, I don't regret at all with what was just happened to me before he came to my life, maybe I'd go through it all over again to be able to feel this way. it would be fine as long as I'll meet him at the end. all I want to hear is his loving tone and laughing. and I'm glad knowing that I can move on with my life. I'm glad that those things happened. I'm glad that I can buried my memories down inside. I'm glad knowing that I can started a new chapter of life after what was just happened to me. and I'm glad that I'm here now, having someone who loves me as much as I love him. The one who always guard me and guide me. one who wanna share his day and months and years with me. One who fill my day with joyful. makes me laugh each and every single day. one who always try to make me went blushed and giggled anytime. one who always makes my heartbeat went faster every time I'm going to see him. and the most important is how he tried to makes me understand how precious am I for him. makes me feel that I'm worthy for living. makes me realized that my life isn't end yet. try to makes me see that in front of me there's someone who really care to me and love me for what I am. the one that's the best I've ever had. hey baby, you know what? I'm so thankful I found you :) anyway, being loved and to be loved is-oh-so-that-greeeeaaaaat! :D
a bunch of hugs and kisses
I love you, xoxo
Tarra Nadhira
